Susan took her great topic about female body image over for discussion on the Sonlight Forums (a private homeschool curriculum forum where we all met many, many years ago) and I responded with the following post over there. Since, as you’ll soon see, I promised to post an exercise that I used myself that really helped me feel differently about my own body, I thought I’d repost it here (with a couple of small edits).
Hey, Susan! Thanks for opening up this important topic on our blog and for inviting me here to join the conversation. I can see from the post views that this is an important topic for many women; I know it is for me. I’ve written many times around the issue of body image and I deeply appreciate the vulnerability and transparency displayed here by many brave women seeking honest discussion. So get ready for MEGO (Means: My Eyes Glaze Over and refers to long-winded posts such as this one) because I’ve got just a couple of other things to say.
I think it is very difficult for a woman to win the personal battle many of us face for healthy body image. The media onslaught, the pictorial tsunami if you will, of perfected images of perfect beauty we receive everyday necessitates that every woman with eyes to see must erect some sort of internal coping mechanism to deal. As we see from the various responses on this thread, while those mechanisms may vary vastly from woman to woman, in some way we all must grapple to some extent with society’s blaring message of female beauty. Some of us find ways to cope by scorning other women, some of us find ways to try to compete, and some of us drop out entirely and accept poor health and poor self-image as our due lot in life.
There really is nothing all that mystifying about the prevalence of female body image issues since, for millennia now, a female’s mating opportunities have all but been based on her appearance. It seems clear enough to me why this is such a big issue for so many women, but for anyone who is interested in understanding it from a scientific point of view I’d suggest some research into the topic of Objectification Theory.
But mystery aside, after reading the many responses, I think this thread points to something we are all subconsciously aware of on some level: It is not enough for the virtuous woman to simply be beautiful; she must be effortlessly beautiful. This sets up a nearly impossible situation for most women since a woman must not ever show or admit that she gives any thought or effort at all to her looks lest her very psychological and spiritual health is called into question. A woman who admits to pondering these issues, much less actually doing anything about it, risks being accused of the female felony of vanity and might end up finding herself labeled here or elsewhere as “obsessive” and/or “narcissistic”.
This is why even the great weekly holy writ of our society, People Magazine, is full of pictures of gorgeous women who vigorously deny exerting any effort towards beauty whatsoever. We are apparently surrounded by celebrity women who never gain weight and never age, and who all are blessed with that holy of holies: the fast metabolism. They eat all the greasy hamburgers they want all day long and never gain an ounce. They don’t have wrinkles because they “stay out of the sun”. They cheerfully work-out because they love it. And we buy it up. We buy the myth that a truly beautiful woman happens by accident and the rest of us can just go chew on a lemon.
Society would seem to offer you and me two choices; you are either one of the genetically blessed demi-goddesses who handles her good fortune with the appropriate reverent humility and shocked surprise, or you must embrace your trollish fate and trudge merrily (don’t forget the merrily part) back to the bridge you came out from under. Trust me ladies, if you try to live above your station and actively attempt to improve your beauty lot it is likely that someone will come along and treat you to some free psychoanalysis and/or spiritual counseling either to your face or behind your back.
In our culture, maybe in all human cultures, the female’s body is not her own. Our bodies and how we feel and think about them happen within the construct of the culture we live within. Therefore, no honest discussion of female body image can possibly be complete without a discussion of the importance of self-deprecation to human female social relationships. There are numerous studies which show that the vast majority of women, greater than 90%, engage in the female bonding ritual of public self-loathing known as “Fat Talk”. For a quick overview on fat talk check out this article on the Social importance of “Fat Talk” and its role in female self-loathing.
A woman who refuses to participate in this obligatory social self-loathing may find herself with an empty dance card at the next Mom’s Night Out event. Fat Talk and self-loathing is de rigueur if you want the other women to like you. Don’t believe me? Try going to your next female event and abstaining from Fat Talk and self-deprecating comments. No seriously. Try it. And come back and tell me what you learned.
From my point of view, the worst part of fat talk is the role it plays in the female Crab Bucket Effect. Because if you think the world is harsh on those who aren’t so pretty, trust me, it isn’t much kinder to the lovely among us. It seems we demand justice from this world and if a woman dares to commit the crime of pretty then she bloody well ought to be prepared to balance the universe by having the very good manners to at least be unhappy with her life. Woe to the woman who dares to be both beautiful and happy. And double woe to her if she dares to take any credit for either one. (Gwyneth Paltrow anyone?) In many female circles, homeschooling being one of them, reaching for the stars and daring to be both beautiful and happy can be tantamount to social suicide.
The reason I bring this up is because I believe that any woman who is genuinely unhappy with any area of her life, but especially with something under her control like weight, but can’t seem to make the necessary changes needs to look closely at the payoff she’s receiving. Self-deprecation earns one big social bucks among other women who have a vested interest in seeing you fail (because if you succeed then what does that do to their excuses?). It is simply a fact of life that we cannot change any behaviors, no matter how negative or self-defeating, until we examine the worth of the payoff. Jesus said that we had to count the cost to follow Him. Well, all change, even good change, comes at a price.
As far as “aging gracefully” (an issue Susan didn’t necessarily raise but that did come up on the forum) I have no idea what markers we’re supposed to meet to prove to the outside world that we’re graceful agers. What options are really open to us aging women? As KayKay (a very wise poster who weighed in wisely on the modern woman’s aging choices) intimates, the options aren’t great and failure is guaranteed.
Too much nip and tuck and you’re relegated to the role of sad, tragic woman in your own cautionary morality tale. Behind your back they’ll whisper, “Tsk. Tsk. How sad. She tried too hard.” And that’s if you’re lucky. If you aren’t lucky then they’ll write about what a pathetic has-been hag you are on the internet. Just google Madonna, Cher, or Sharon Stone if you’re curious to see how aging women are treated in the blogosphere.
Somehow we’re to walk this invisible Maginot Line between “letting ourselves go” and “trying too hard” and we’re to do it with grace (and possibly while wearing a purple dress and a red hat).
Crazy Red Hat Society Ladies
As long as female aging is treated as the ultimate crime against humanity, the sentence for which is total loss of any social relevance, I don’t see much hope. Maybe one day a woman will be allowed to age in the way she feels best without having everybody else (especially younger women who really have no idea what they are talking about) feeling like they have the right to weigh in on her decisions. But I don’t see that day coming anytime soon.
And let’s not forget the big fat elephant in this room (the forum room, that is, where it was discussed that ”aging gracefully” is the ultimate goal we’re all supposed to achieve) that aging isn’t some benign little thing we either accept or fight. I mean, not to put too fine a point on it, but aging always ends in DEATH.
Some of the most poignant sex my husband and I ever had was the night before my mother died. We hid in our dark bedroom with the blinds drawn breathlessly clinging to each other and when we were finished and my husband said, “Well, I guess we should get up.” I snapped back to him, “No, don’t make me. The only thing on the other side of that door is death.” We laughed but there’s really nothing funny about it.
Sex is what you do to tell Death that you aren’t having any of it. And draw the prettiest smile you want onto the face of it, rave about dear Aunt Mildred who really knew how to age gracefully, but in the end aging is a series of losses that is going to kill you and me. Those little wrinkles that first appear are really Death’s calling card that the day of reckoning approaches. I don’t think anyone can be blamed for not particularly liking that message and doing whatever they can to stave off the inevitable by trying to stay healthy and active for as long as possible. It certainly doesn’t mean that one is a psychological cripple or spiritually arrested.
So what to do about aging? I have no idea. Since the world seems to have no shortage of critics and nay-sayers ready to pounce on you and point out all your faults and short-comings (and if the social theory of “fat talk” is true you’ll then be socially obligated to join in with them), I say do what makes you happy or as the great poet, Ricky Nelson, says, “You see, ya can’t please everyone, so ya got to please yourself.”
In the misnamed “One-Hour Orgasm” (it really ought to have been called “One-Hour of Co-Rubbing), Drs. Leah and Bob Schwartz, a married couple, write “Women look in the mirror for what is wrong with them.” They share a terrific exercise that really helped me overcome some of my own body image issues and I think might help other women here. I wish I’d done it years ago. I’m going to share it tomorrow on our blog.
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